My Visit to the Bezos-Sanchez Wedding
Wow. That’s all I can say. Wow.
First, I had no idea how I ended up getting an invitation to the wedding of Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez, touted as the “wedding of the century.” Did they mistake me for another Jew—maybe Steven Spielberg or Chuck Schumer?
Anyhow, I figured I better not ask too many questions, so I booked my flight to Venice, Italy, and hoped for the best. Maybe if I look cool enough, I thought, no one will notice.
Observing the Extravagance
Given my insecurities about the invitation, I decided that instead of my usual schmoozing, I would do lots of observing, like an anthropologist studying a species of human beings I rarely encounter– filthy rich people who are not Jewish.
I got there on Thursday, just in time for a welcome party in the cloister of the Madonna dell’Orto church. I was so jet lagged I almost belted out, “Hey, Jesus was an Orthodox Jew! We gave him to you! Where are all the thank yous?”
Kendall Jenner and Kim Kardashian (in a skintight snakeskin dress), who had just climbed out of water taxis and were not far from me, would probably not have appreciated my Jesus remarks, so I'm glad I held back. Why risk getting booted out before the real festivities start?
Tales of the Rich and Famous
I had read about local protesters who were determined to make Venice the city “that did not bend to oligarchs.” I wanted to find out who had the idea of filling the canals with inflatable crocodiles, and whether I could take a photo with one of the faux crocs. But the Bezos Party Industrial Complex heard about the crocs and slyly moved the main reception to a new location.
At that new location, I was keen on finding the lawyers’ table, because I had heard that Bezos and Sanchez had beaten the Guinness record for longest prenup negotiations. There were so many lawyers involved I figured I might bump into one or two members of the tribe.
Amidst the Glamour
Among the many subjects of conversation, there was lots of whispering about what Sanchez would wear, given her fondness for bold attire. People in the know remember that she wore a gown with a sheer lace corseted bodice at a White House state dinner, and what looked like lingerie peeking out of her white blazer at Trump’s inauguration.
After that infamous meme of Mark Zuckerberg glancing over at Sanchez’s fulsome bosom at the inauguration, I tried to keep an eye out for the wandering eyes of famous men who found themselves close to Sanchez. Alas, with all the security I could never get close enough.
Blend in or Stand Out?
I had expected the over-the-top security, so I brought a printout of my invitation just in case. Also, hoping to better fit in with the jet-set crowd, I went for that “star look” by wearing my black Armani suit with a shimmering white tie on a shimmering white shirt. And to further deter security folks who might be wondering who was this guy walking alone without his own security, I decided to wear my designer sunglasses at all times, just like Jack.
Of course I didn’t wear my colorful Mizrachi yarmulke or my jumbo-size Star of David necklace, nor did I bring my portable Shabbat candles. You got into the party of the century, I kept telling myself. Just shut up and observe.
A Glimpse into Luxury
One thing I did observe was that Bezos could not stop smiling for one second. I wondered if his $230 billion nest egg enabled him to find the only surgeon on the planet who could safely secure your lips for a 72-hour smile, so you don’t have to do it yourself. Who said money can’t buy happiness?
I walked right past Sam Altman of Open AI as he was schmoozing with Bill Gates, and I was tempted to ask him if he had Shabbat plans. But again, I decided this was not the time for wise guy stuff, so I kept my mouth shut and tried to overhear what they were talking about. In all the noise, I couldn’t tell if it was Artificial Intelligence or caviar.
Seeking Respite
With the jet lag and the fatigue catching up to me, I searched desperately for one of those coffee stations I see at parties in Los Angeles. In a daze, I navigated through a mini-army of servers with trays of champagne flutes and, like a thirsty man trekking through the desert, started having visions of a grande extra hot Americano with steamed almond milk. I must have wandered around so much that at some point, a Maitre d’ who looked like Placido Domingo accosted me, asking in broken English what I was looking for.
Before I could blurt out “grande extra hot Americano with steamed almond milk,” which by now I figured would be difficult to find at the wedding of the century, I decided on a whim to turn around, take my sunglasses off and find the first water taxi.
Celebrating Love and Luxury
Caffeine deprived but soldiering on, I had exactly 39 minutes to get to Chabad before candle lighting.
Editor’s note: The above is, yes, a work of satire. Facts about the event were taken from press reports. Mazal tov to the bride and groom.President Trump’s proposed “Big, Beautiful Bill” has faced strong opposition from Democrats, but some admit that certain parts deserve consideration.
